1 00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:04,505 - Good morning, New Woodstream. 2 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:05,797 Let's have a day of it. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:08,800 [light music] 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:15,849 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,815 Good morning, Peter. 6 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,817 Saw your wife. She told me everything. 7 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:26,860 [cat meows] 8 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:30,614 [gasps] Well, who are you, sir? 9 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,825 I'm going to name you hungry for now. 10 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,787 And you can call me sucker. 11 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,581 Let's go. Come on in. 12 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,250 You're gonna love it. 13 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,172 Izzy, I have very exciting news. 14 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:51,927 Today I am going to start my first ever full-length novel. 15 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,512 No more procrastination. 16 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:57,224 Now you go lay down in your orthopedic bed. 17 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:59,309 Good darling. 18 00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:00,894 And begin. 19 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:04,523 [phone rings] 20 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,150 Abigail Mapleworth. To whom am I speaking? 21 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:10,112 - Hey, it's Jerry, your agent. How's the novel coming? 22 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:13,240 - Jerry, I've written 64 murder mystery novellas. 23 00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:14,700 I think I've got this. 24 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:19,162 I once wrote a Yelp review that was 20 pages long 25 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:23,834 about a restaurant that used balsamic that was not house-made, as claimed. 26 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:26,712 - Okay, well, I'll let you work your magic. 27 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:30,132 - There's nothing magic about murder, Jerry. 28 00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,926 And you should also wear pants when you're in the office. 29 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:36,346 - How did you-- 30 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:39,016 I hate when you do that. 31 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:41,560 - All right. For real this time, Abigail. 32 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,686 And begin. 33 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:43,687 [doorbell dings] 34 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,398 Oh, my goodness gracious. [dogs barking] 35 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,108 No bark! [barking stops] 36 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,278 [gasps] Heidi? 37 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:56,867 - Hi, Aunt Abigail. - Ohh, come in here! 38 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,119 Look at you! 39 00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:02,080 Oh, you've grown into such a beautiful young gal. 40 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,459 I thought you were going to be a little mushroom like I am, 41 00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:08,003 but your legs got in the game just in time. 42 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:11,048 - Mom and Dad said thanks so much for letting me stay here. 43 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,133 - Of course. - It was either this 44 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:16,678 or go home to Australia, you know, back in the marsupial pouch. 45 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,347 - Oh. [laughs] [dogs barking] 46 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,932 - Oh! - Oh, here are all the babies 47 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,351 from my marsupial pouch. - Hi! Ohh. 48 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,728 - Oh, and give her kisses. Oh, kisses! 49 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:29,274 So your parents tell me that you're going to be finishing college 50 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:32,027 at New Woodstream instead of Princeton. 51 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,655 - Uh, that reminds me. I've gotta go online 52 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,658 and register for classes. - Hm. 53 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,117 - Um, what's your Wi-Fi? 54 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,245 - It's Wireless Network. 55 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,705 - You should change that. 56 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:46,083 Uh, password? - Oh. 57 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:52,464 WXRT443MQ123four-- 58 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,925 the four is spelled F-O-U-R-- 59 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,511 and then an entire line of asterisks 60 00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,763 that just look like a little blanket of snow. 61 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,265 - It's a strong password. 62 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,934 - And if you need anything at all, at any time, you just-- 63 00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:05,143 [rings bell] 64 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:08,856 Dingy-ding. And I'll be right in that bed right there. 65 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,776 - Wait, we're sleeping right next to each other? 66 00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:14,152 - Mm. - Don't you have, like, 67 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,154 three other bedrooms? - I do. 68 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,240 There's one for the dogs, one for the cats, 69 00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:21,201 and then the third one is where they all meet for parties. 70 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:24,246 [light music] 71 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,622 ♪ ♪ 72 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,082 As you can see, Heidi, 73 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,169 the town square is quite the bevy of activity. 74 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:33,922 This is my favorite shop All windchimes all the time, 75 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,841 and it's open till 11:00. - [chuckles] 76 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:39,261 I can't post any of these. Is it possible to have negative bars? 77 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,264 - Oh, there's a grand opening sign up there. 78 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,308 Something is exciting. 79 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,309 Let's check it out. 80 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,853 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it says it's a hot spot. Let's go. 81 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,188 - Well, I mean, it hasn't opened. 82 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,940 That's pretty cocky to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles] 83 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,901 - No, it's an Internet hot spot. 84 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,029 - Congrats on your big opening, jackass. 85 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,947 Maybe you can finally pay me back the money 86 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,491 you sucked from my savings, you prick. 87 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 I hope you die soon! 88 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:08,248 And if you don't, let me know, so I can kill you myself! 89 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,083 [screams] 90 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:13,212 - Sorry about that. That's my ex-wife. 91 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,547 She's an asshole. 92 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,466 So what do you think of the shop? 93 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:21,053 - It's very nice. I don't usually frequent meat markets. 94 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,306 - Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.! 95 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,016 What are you doing now? 96 00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:28,393 - Oh, I wanted to display my homemade dry rub. 97 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,895 - [mocking] Dry rub. 98 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,648 You know what I wanted? A daughter. 99 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,066 - You have Samantha. 100 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,651 - Yeah, but she's a shithead. 101 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,402 Now get that crap out of here! 102 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,279 Be better! 103 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,531 - Yes, sir. 104 00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,034 - Come on. Move it! 105 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:46,161 God damn, that boy's got about as much common sense 106 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,163 as a bee in a camper toilet. 107 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:52,125 Just like his mom, the asshole from earlier. Hm. 108 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,962 - Um, excuse me, what's your Wi-Fi? 109 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,713 - Wireless Network. 110 00:04:56,755 --> 00:05:01,051 Password is A1B2C3D4 111 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:04,972 and then that little squiggle that goes over Ns in Mexican words. 112 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,390 ABIGAIL: Okay. 113 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:07,683 - Canelli. 114 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,726 Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg. 115 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,603 - You get out of here, and by out of here, 116 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,188 I mean out of this town! 117 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:17,484 I've been the New Woodstream butcher since 1987. 118 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,362 - Well, we're all tired of your limp meats. 119 00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:23,282 - You're gonna be closed and out of business in 30 days. 120 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,075 - Over my dead body. 121 00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,994 - Well, I can arrange that! 122 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:30,414 - I'd like to see you try to kill me! 123 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,208 - Stop this nonsense. 124 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,460 You two are grown men. 125 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:39,673 I'm trying to show my young niece around the beauty of New Woodstream, 126 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:43,051 and you two are acting like ridiculous pussies 127 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,720 going at it hard in the alley. 128 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,054 - Wow. 129 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,514 - Now shake hands. 130 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:52,895 That's it. I believe in no time you two will be fast friends, 131 00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:57,357 sharing grinder stories and comparing the size of your giblets 132 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,817 over a cold beer. 133 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,657 - That was surprisingly fun. 134 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:08,285 - Wait till you meet the women's crochet league. 135 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,412 Now those are some skilled hookers. 136 00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,584 - That was for you, Heidi. - [laughs] 137 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:19,963 And finally, this is the western New Woodstream cemetery. 138 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:23,217 - Aunt Abigail, this is the fourth cemetery you've shown me. 139 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:25,761 - Well, the rest of them are closed on Mondays. 140 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,222 Now let's go have a luncheon. 141 00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:29,723 - Who says luncheon? 142 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,600 - I just did. Did you not hear me? 143 00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,478 And that's my favorite place to get sanitary napkins. 144 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,022 [police siren wailing] 145 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,774 Oh, Heidi. 146 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:42,069 I'm going to have to take off my tour guide hat for a moment 147 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,030 and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam. 148 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:49,201 Let's get to snooping. 149 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,622 - Okay, yeah. 150 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:55,999 - Gilbert, has there been a crime committed? 151 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:59,378 - Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail. [chuckles] 152 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:03,048 Not sure. I was just about to go check it out myself, but-- 153 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,259 [siren wails] [laughs] Gol dang it. 154 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,885 This thing's on the fritz again. 155 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,470 [laughs] It's possessed. 156 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,138 Ohh. Okay. 157 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,892 [siren stops] 158 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,853 Oh, wait, Abigail. You know the drill. 159 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,313 You gotta let me go in first. Come on! 160 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,023 - Heidi, turn away, dear. 161 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,985 [dramatic music] 162 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,486 There's been a murder.